The Pirates Lukewarm Stove

With moves highlighting their off-season like the following, I really can't actually continue the charade of calling the Pirates transactions part of The Baseball Hot Stove.
-Opting not to re-sign Jason Michaels
-Over-paying Ramon Vazquez for 2 years and 4 million dollars
-Spurning Chris Gomez even though he's still on the market and dirt cheap
-Pursuing the has-been Matt Clement and the never-was Daniel Cabrera
-Trading Fat Ronny for another useless catcher
-Non-tendering Denny Bautista
-Selecting someone named Veal in the Rule 5 Draft while not protecting Kyle Bloom

So instead, while everyone else deals on the Hot Stove and the Yankees deal on the Inferno Stove, the Pirates are relegated to the Lukewarm Stove until they actually do something that a real Pirate fan can pump their fist over.

But being that I'm a complete masochist, I still must follow this dreadful team as it swirls through the depths of yet another difficult rebuilding job. So, here are some of the things lurking for the Bucs:

-Yep, they're interested in Daniel "For some reason everyone thinks I'm going to be a good pitcher" Cabrera. Yeah sure he throws absolute heat, but he's essentially the real life version of this guy:
The only problem is that no one has yet realized that all they need to do is put glasses on Cabrera and...POOF! He's a superstar pitcher who is essentially the second coming. So they have that going for them. Of course, even if they do figure that part out, they should trade him after one year because he's going to get all soft after meeting some hot babe and want to learn to throw only off-speed stuff and fail miserably and then return to throwing only heat in the final game of the season because, you know, it's easy to make it in the Bigs if you only have one pitch and it's a fastball. Wait, did I take this movie thing too far?

-750K for Jason Michaels was apparently too rich for their blood even though they paid 2 million a year for this guy:
To be fair, Michaels' deal had incentives that could kick it to 1.5 million, but I mean even still, I'd rather have Nate McLouth's long lost twin brother than Vazquez. I mean LOOK AT THAT PICTURE! I know these guys may have forever given us the answer to the always pertinent question, "Which Pittsburgh athlete most looks like a sexual deviant?" But you've got to admit, Ramon Vazquez should come in second, right?

-The Buccos, in their usual infinite wisdom, waited until after the Rule 5 Draft to non-tender Denny Bautista, who had been taking up a spot on the 40-man roster that could have instead been occupied by Kyle Bloom, a young'n who was taken in the Rule 5 after an extremely promising showing in the Hawaiian Winter League.

-The Bucs may be kicking the tires on the immortal Ty Wigginton, but that seems unlikely given that, like thousands of others, he exploded into a promising player after he left the Burgh. Still I found it stunning he got non-tendered. They have also inquired about Jerry Hairston, but it's similarly unlikely anything actually happens here, too.

-It appears as though Rafael Furcal may be signing with the Braves. Or not. He might still be waiting around. Still, if he signs with ATL, then Jumpin Jack likely enters the cross hairs of the Dodgers. Also, a rumored trade with the Tomahawk Choppers that may net Yunel Escobar has been tossed about, as have rumors about Paul Maholm being involved in that kind of a deal, but that seems extremely unlikely.

-Donnie Veal, the Rule 5er that the Pirates took shortly before losing the more higher potential Kyle Bloom, struggled heavily in AA ball last season. He has a pretty fair amount of pop in his pitches, and that is something that is quite obviously pretty sacred to the new management squad. Still, that can only take you so far toward being a successful pitcher. He will also be converted, at least for this season, to a middle reliever from a starter, which could actually be something worth watching.

-And of course, I couldn't let the loss of one of the All-time great Pirates pass without at least a mention. That's right, the great John VanBenschoten has left the organization after being removed from the 40-man roster, thus ending the JVB error...I mean era. And what an era it was, as JVB and his partner-in-crime (and that crime was stealing first round money from the Pirates) Bryan Bullington have both been given the boot over the last few months. So long JVB, I hear you found employment as the batting practice pitcher for the Chicago White Sox. I'm sure your terrible soft tosses will be almost as good as whatever 90-year-old arthritic you are replacing.

Pirates Shaking Things Up at the Winter Meetings

Two transactions in the last half-day or so for our Buccos, and in all likelihood they have another one coming a little later on in the Rule 5 Draft. In case you haven't heard, the Pirates dealt away Fat Ronny last night, and believe it or not, another team gave the Pirates something of substance in return. I had just assumed that when Paulino was dealt, the Pirates would get nothing in return and end up sending money along with him in order to cover for his new team's increased buffet costs. The guy they got in return was the great Jason Jaramillo (no that isn't his pic above, I'll get to that in a minute). He too is a catcher with some ability (a former second round pick), but never really amounted to much. He is going to be fighting with Robinson Diaz and maybe Raul Chavez for the coveted opening backup catcher slot.

Now, for that glorious picture above of a man with the great mustache, that could be the Pirates newest member, Mr. Ramon Vazquez, signed for an oustading 2 years and 4 million dollars!!!! My first reaction: Uhmm....What?!? Sure he had a nice little career year last season, batting .290 in 300 at-bats with a career-best .795 OPS, numbers that are respectable for a utility middle infield guy, but take a look at these career stats! For one, he's 32 years old and hasn't been a full-time player at any point in his career and the season in which he saw the most action was 2002! That will be 7 years ago! Aren't we supposed to be a small-market team in a recession? How are we spending 2 mil a year on Ramon Vazquez? This has to mean that Jumpin' Jack is getting dealt in the coming days, right? If there's no deal for Jack, then we are paying 2 million a year for a guy who right now the team hopes almost never starts a game this season, right? I mean if Jack stays (and up until this signing I thought there was an increased chance of that) then we certainly expect him and Freddy to be out there for 150+ starts this season, and the team has shown it is more than happy to let Andy LaRoche does his best Adam-in-April routine for most of the season without any repercussions, so where does the 2 million dollar backup fit in? Nowhere! I think this was a crazy move, personally, as they could have waited until the free agent market was picked over and signed someone to a minor-league deal and gotten 80% of Vazquez for a 25% of the price, much like Luis Rivas or Douggie Mientkiewicz a year ago.